I've found myself in the situation of having to really analyze my relationships with people. I have to ask myself: "What do I gain from knowing and interacting with this person and what is it COSTING me?" I've found out that a lot of people fail or simply refuse to ask themselves those questions, and they usually end up hurt in the end. Some may think it's selfish to ask such questions, and they may add that it's not polite to itemize your relationships. But this isn't simply noting the give and take for the sake of keeping score. This is taking a personal inventory of your dealings with others for the sake of personal security!

It seems to me that in a world full of dishonest people, we would want to be sure that the few that we have allowed into our lives really deserve to be there. Or is it that we already know that we may have made mistakes, and are trying to avoid the harsh reality that we are obviously hiding from ourselves. We can sometimes plainly see that some people have no place in our lives. I can look back over my life and at least three guys I've dated stand out like sore thumbs!!! It leaves me saying to myself, "What in the name of sweet Jesus was I thinking?!?! And why didn't anyone (other than my mother) tell me I was screwin' up like THAT?!?!" The fact stands strong in that moment because I also see, just as plainly, that all the signs were there, and I remember seeing them all! I noticed all of the red flags, but I refused to ask those questions...I refused because I knew the answers already, and I didn't feel like suffering any more than I already was.

That pain is why I eventually decided to change. You see, you suffer a whole lot more when you become entangled in a relationship that is one-sided or just wrong in any way. I say more because any veteran of love knows that it can be painful, even when it's at it finest. At the same time, however, bad relationships produce suffering, and suffering is not in God's Divine plan for us. His Will and His Word is centered around keeping us as far away from torture and suffering as possible!!! This is when I realized that God's Commandments are not restrictions; they are ‘escape-goats'!

You see, I found myself entangled in that first bad relationship because the guy introduced me to what I've come to term as "Grey Theology." I call it that because he took my plain ‘black & white' view of right and wrong and showed me that there is a grey area between them. I was amazed because at the age of 16, I hadn't thought of things in that way. I felt like he had opened my eyes and granted me the freedom to live my life any way I wanted! No more all or nothing; right OR wrong and no more good OR bad. From then on, it was grey town...I would stay in the middle and have as much fun as I could without becoming unapproachably good or COMPLETELY bad.

But that grey area got old, really quickly. I soon realized that this man used that same theology to lock me into a relationship with him, wherein he failed to follow through on any of his obligations to me! Sure, he talked a good game; he always knew what to say to keep me around, but no follow though...ever! I ended up so heartbroken. After a few more of those grey-bond relationships, I noticed that I was becoming weak. These crappy relationships were draining me of my...my "X" factor and even though at that point, I wasn't sure of what that factor was, I knew I couldn't live without it! The first step in renewing my strength and discovering the identity and maintaining the quality of my X factor was admitting that I was wrong. My way didn't work. Then, I had to decide who to listen to; whose advice to act on. (My God, Jehovah won that one!) Next is the action. I now had to realize exactly where I was and who I was really dealing with. I tend to start that process with questions!

It is true that actions speak a whole lot louder than words. And if someone claims to love you, but you don't see any evidence in their actions, then you will benefit from the ability to take an assessment of the interactions you share with that person. You have to first know what you want to gain from a friend before you can ask yourself if you are getting it, and you have to be equally aware of what you DON'T want to give or take before you can set your guidelines. When you do the math by listing what you gain versus the list of what you pay out, then you will see whether or not this relationship is actually benefiting you by reviewing which list is longest! If it's not benefiting you, and you pay out more than you gain, then you can either modify the relationship to reduce your losses and increase your gains, or you can delete it and dissolve the relationship completely.

I understand that it's hard to be honest and answer those questions when you have a lot of love for the person you are auditing. But if that person is costing you a lot and you are paying him/her with tears and heartache, you owe it to yourself to do the audit. It does hurt when you REALIZE that you are being taxed too heavily in any relationship. And it hurts worse when your attempts to modify the second party's behavior fail. But if you tell someone who claims to love you that they are hurting you, and that person doesn't change, then you don't need that person in your life! That's a person that is promoting grey theology!

The simple fact in life is that there is indeed a grey area in some in things, but there is no grey area in our morals! In reality, something is either right or its wrong, its either good or bad. Chicken can be kinda good. Ben Stiller can be kinda funny. Jack Nicholson can be kinda crazy-looking, but you can not be kinda honest, or kinda loyal, or kinda monogamous! The hardest part about this isn't really dealing with the fact that someone doesn't deserve us. The hard part is dealing with whatever it is inside of us that doesn't want to let that person go! Some of us don't want to be alone so we put up with almost anything, and others feel like they aren't worth better. Whatever your reason, please consider that more pain is to come if you don't overcome this. This is a never-ending cycle...hell never runs out of steam!

On the other hand, when you audit someone and you see that you get way more than you give, then it warms your heart!!! I've found that I was blessed with some AWESOME relationships! My number one is my hubby, Alonzo Skinner. The love that this man has for me is something I'm not sure that I will ever be able to live without. He matches my love ounce for ounce, moment for moment. Whenever I audit our relationship, I walk away feeling so very secure and well loved!!! I also enjoy my relationships with my children!!! Michael and Terrany love me unconditionally, and I appreciate them to the fullest! All three of these relationships are physically and emotionally expensive. VERY EXPENSIVE, but WELL WORTH THE PRICE!!!! I don't even have to tell some of you women how taxing it is to carry and birth a child! It will take all day to itemize all the aches, pains and changes you experience during that time in life. But it will take another full day to list all of the items of gain that I've received from BOTH of those wonderful (yet bad butt) kids!

Now that I have what I need to be happy, I do whatever I can to maintain it. I'm here for the needs of my friends and family, and I'm more than happy to help them in any way that I can. As long as I don't have to break any of my God's rules to help them, that is! My First-Priority Relationship is with God, and all else falls under Him. And in realizing that, I know that following His directions, and keeping his point of view, which is in "black and white", I'm destined to keep my other precious relationships (as long as the others involved also see things God's way). So, I encourage you to audit your relationships. Find out if you are getting what you deserve from the people in your life. Make sure that you aren't investing too much emotion, time or energy into a relationship that isn't worth it. And make sure that you are holding up to your end of the deal!!! Find balance again! Believe me...life sucks without it!!!